Confessions of a Confused Soul

*it is written in blood that i am forever broken*

(no subject)
i don't think i've been this disappointed in a long time. i thought he wasn't gonna be another person to just walk out of my life... he told me he wasn't... but his actions and his failure to follow through make me realize that he's just like everyone else to make this promise to me. i don't know... maybe i'm the fool for putting so much effort into the friendship.  maybe it was too good to be true... i just thought that for once, i had found a friend that really understood me... that really cared more because we had so much in common. this just teaches me not to put so much faith into people... not to expect so much.

peoples priorities have been really out of whack lately. i guess i can't blame them... i've been there before. but i really hope and pray that i wasnt that bad... that i didnt ever make someone feel the way people made me feel this weekend. honestly... i wouldnt wish that on anyone. because truth be told, i would hate myself. i mean, loyalty lies in the people that won't be there in the end right? wow. 

i'm just mad at the world... minus like.... a good, 8 people. 

i can only hope things get better from here.

sometimes i wonder...

i wonder why God made me the oldest. 

i wonder why He made me the "reliable" one.

i wonder why i wasn't born with a messed up brain.

i wonder why i wasn't the one that "almost didn't make it".

i wonder why He picked me to be "the example".

i wonder why He made me the "strong" one.

the "successful" one. the "patient" one. 

"the one everyone can depend on... can trust... can learn from."

sometimes... i think He made a mistake.

(no subject)
i don't know if i've ever felt more loved than i did tonight.

i know, i know.
i'm REALLY bad at updating....

but... life just hasn't been this good in a LONG time. i may not be exactly where i want to be... things may be VERY different than i had planned//pictured... but i am content with life. no doubt in my mind. 

i have a job i semi-enjoy [lol]... i'm going to school and i'm dealing with all of my classes [i even loveee two of my professors]... i'm still tight with the whole family thing... and my friends situation, is just... amazing.

life has a funny way of surprising you.
life is amazing.


my new friend.

(no subject)
so, i know i never update this. and it's pretty crappy that it happens. but i just ferget that i have this.

i feel... trapped. i don't know why. maybe i'm PMS'ing. but i feel so useless. and i just don't understand anything right now. college seems a lot better than high school, but in many ways i'm afraid to put myself out there to meet new people. i'm shyy until you get to know me. but i have a hard time just introducing myself to people. i'm looking for a job on campus and hopefully i'll join better classes next term. i'm gonna look into a club or something... cause only knowing a few people that go to my school kinda sucks. that, and i feel like i'm drifting from the people that used to be my best friends. i mean, i know people say they'll be friends forever and life happens and they forget all about each other... but not me. i know when a friendship shouldn't go to waste and it makes me sad that other people don't see what i do. but then again, society has been disappointing me as of lately...

my "creating a meaningful life" class is probably the best class i've ever had in my entire life. it makes me kinda want to be a philosophy major but then when i think about it, i wouldn't want to cause i think i'd get too fed up with things never haviing an answer. and it would make me hate life//society more than i already do. i feel so pessimistic already...

sorry for my ranting and whatnot. 

so pardon me...
so since i NEVER update anymore, i've decided that i will. i think its because i feel i have nothing incredibly profound to say, so people will get bored purely reading about my day//life. i'm not too exciting as you can see already.

school started. pretty much, its alright. 

i like helping people. just the feeling of a little thank you for some good adviice makes me smile. i mean, sometimes all someone needs is just a little help from their friends and sometimes it seems like we get so wrapped up in our own hectic lives that we forget about everyone around us. then, when we need help, who is gonna be there? i don't know... maybe i have it all wrong. but i think that theory "every man for himself" isn't so realistic. humans feed off of some form of atttention or emotion from others, whether it positive or negative. we can't live in this world on our own all the time. people that do must lead very unhappy lives.

toniiight was AMAZING. it made my summer. i've seen TBS... 5 times? tonight was AWESOME.

so first was the subways... ratiing: 3/10
-not myy cup of tea. i liked onee of their songs. but i just never really got into them. 

second, head automatica... rating: 8/10
-upbeat and lively... lovedd it. "graduation day" and "lying through your teeth" made me smiile. i'm so tired of "beating heart baby"... everyyone claiims iit as "their song".

third was AVA... rating: 11/10
-some people would highly disagree. but i could care less. they were amazing... tom still has it. and i was mad that no one knew "there is"... even though technically it was a boxxcar racer song. that song is amaziing.

last of all, TBS. i can't rate them. its against my religion. lol.
-i've seen them quite a few times and there was maybe one night that was a better performance than tonight... tonight was amazing. adam is a GOD. and i'm SO glad they played a lot of "old" stuff. its good when a band doesnt JUST play their new album. that way, the newer fans will be more into listening to the old stuff... because its WAYYYYYYYYYY better than the new stufff. 

all in all, aweeesome night.

(no subject)
so... i never update anymore. lol. ooops.

SJSU orientation next weeek! kinda exciited... but i think it mayy be a bit lamee seeing as how i know everything about that damn campuss.... but they MAKE you stay overnight. so we'll see how that goes...



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