Confessions of a Confused Soul

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Mon, 16 Feb 2009 18:37:39 GMT

my grandmother was dignosed with multiple myeloma.
that's the second most common type of blood cancer.

i'm not sure how to feel now.
but i cried when i saw her with all the tubes and IV's hooked up to her.

i want to feel.

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 08:13:56 GMT

to truly feel the joys of this world again.

i'm so tired of either the pain kiling me slowly.
or the numbness i bring upon myself.

i want to get away.
go camping.
or on a hike.
or to the beach.

something to just be out of civilization.
even if just for a little while.

Sat, 20 Dec 2008 18:00:14 GMT

i feel as though i am slowly losing my creativity. there are so many things i used to do all the time(I.E. paint, draw, write) that i've forgotten how to do.

maybe its my lack of inspiration. maybe its the fact that not as many emotions flow through me as they used to. or, i'm just not in tune with the emotions that do flow. music doesn't inspire me like it used to. and the daily grind i call my life hardly gives inspiration since it has become the constant repitition that it is currently.

i want to go to the beach. or on a long hike. just somewhere far from "reality". maybe then i'll be inspired. maybe my creativity is hiding out in places no one goes.

i so dig this quote.

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 00:44:37 GMT

"Each snowflake was a sigh heaved by an aggrieved woman somewhere in the world. That all the sighs drifted up the sky, gathered into clouds, then broke into tiny pieces that fell silently on the people below. As a reminder of how women like us suffer...how quietly we endure all that falls upon us." - from A Thousand Splendid Suns

awesome book. check it out!

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 09:46:22 GMT

it always seems i get my hopes up for no reason.

life, stop failing me.
heart, stop fluttering.
brain, stop working so hard.

yesterday.

Fri, 21 Nov 2008 18:04:15 GMT

was one of the best days i've had in a while.

i got to sleep in and NOT go to work
:D
i was very excited. even though i was dead tired when i finally did fall asleep, i was content in being tired.

class was pretty interesting.
i'm enjoying the book we're reading AND
i'm diggin on philosophy.

dinner was quite enjoyable.
went to Buffalo's and found that my new favorite thing on their menu is the Greek pizza.
yay for keeping up with my no beef/pork!
and i do believe we'll go to dinner again.
i look forward to it
:D

twilight at midnight = AMAZING.
so many people are saying they hate it and it wasn't worth the money.
BUT if you read the books,
its a fairly accurate account.
i could see how you wouldn't enjoy it if you didn't read the books.

there comes a time...

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 08:32:04 GMT

when you just have to let go.
and hope that you had changed someone's life enough...
jussst enough, for them to know that there is better
in this world.

that they can be and DO better.
and hope that they find better
than they have in the past.

there comes a time,
when you just have to have faith
that even though you're not right,
hopefully they'll find someone better than you
so that they'll be happy.

cause in the end,
even though you weren't right,
hopefully they know
there's better
and they deserve so much more in this world.

there comes a time
that its just not about you anymore.
its about them.
and what they need.
and just cause its not how you'd hoped,
doesn't mean you didnt help them
see the good in this world.

because we all need a bit of good
in this big, confusing world.

this isn't about loving and losing.
this is about caring and learning.
its about compassion and change.

its about changing the world
one heart at a time.

i've come to realize

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 09:54:40 GMT

that life is entirely too short for love to be expendable. too often we figure love will be there, in one form or another. so we fail to recognize it; not only in ourselves but in others. it also seems that many times, telling people seems too hard or "too cheesy" or "it isn't the right time" or we're afraid to let ourselves become vulnerable. but life is too short. its too short to live in fear of what someone might say or how someone might react. i once was told "we are a society in need of love; for love is great and above all things what moves this world" and in every possible sense... through every word, every letter... it brings truth. in our own lives, how many times have there been where you wished you had done or said something more? but you held back.. whether it have been in fear or in uncertainty, you still held back. you figured, you'd have plenty more chances right? but what if you didnt? what if now was the only chance you had... what if everything depended on one moment and that was it? the moment disappeared forever... i know this concept has been stretched and re-told in every which way, but maybe it has been for a reason. we may not always 'live each day like its our last'; but couldn't we say what we mean and mean what we say and tell everyone how we feel? have people become so scared of their own emotions that the risk is becoming less and less worth it?

"love wins. love always wins."

i'm getting off topic though... i know these may just be the ramblings of a silly girl and i may be hard for many of you to take seriously, but honestly i say this from experience. each and every individual is guilty of not letting someone else know exactly what he/she means to him/her... we live life accepting that people assume. we fail to speak the words "i appreciate", "i love", "i care", etc. because it makes us vulnerable to someone else.

"without love, we are birds with broken wings."

whether its a family member, a close friend, or someone you barely know, tell them. tell them what they mean to you, regardless of your fears/doubts or pride or assuming they know. tell them. it can only make a person's day a little bit brighter.

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in." -Tuesdays with Morrie

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 21:42:47 GMT

he's winning me over with every word.

and that cute little smile of his... melts my heart.

its been a while...

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 23:59:21 GMT

... but here i am.

i'm happy. but scared. and confused. all at the same time. and i'm still trying to figure out life. i'm taking life day by day, and i've stopped living in fear of the future. rather, i'm excited to see what every new day brings me. some may say this is risky business... some may say i need to "plan" for the future. but, i've learned that life throws you curve balls and no matter how prepared you think you are, you're never fullly ready for the challenges it poses.

i'm happy due to recent events. okay, so maybe its just one event, but still... i don't know how long it has been since i have last felt this... excited about the future. i find myself smiling for no apparent reason... laughing a lot more and being a whole lot more pleasant in general [[not to say i wasn't pleasant before]]. i love getting messages for no reason other than to say "goodnight & sweet dreams" : ]

i'm scared for obvious reasons. for obvious reasons that many girls fear. i'm afraid that everything could fall through at any given moment and that by that moment, i may have already put my entire heart into it. i know that you'll never know how great something is until you take the risk, but what if the other person can't assure you that you're not the only one? i know the feelings are there and mutual, i'm just scared of history repeating itself and ending up broken hearted again.

i'm confused. simply because he is a boy and i am a girl and things between the two hearts are always complicated and a bit confusing.

through all of my emotions, i'm ready. for whatever life brings me. i am expecting the unexpected and loving every minute of it.

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 22:30:40 GMT

i don't think i've been this disappointed in a long time. i thought he wasn't gonna be another person to just walk out of my life... he told me he wasn't... but his actions and his failure to follow through make me realize that he's just like everyone else to make this promise to me. i don't know... maybe i'm the fool for putting so much effort into the friendship. maybe it was too good to be true... i just thought that for once, i had found a friend that really understood me... that really cared more because we had so much in common. this just teaches me not to put so much faith into people... not to expect so much.

peoples priorities have been really out of whack lately. i guess i can't blame them... i've been there before. but i really hope and pray that i wasnt that bad... that i didnt ever make someone feel the way people made me feel this weekend. honestly... i wouldnt wish that on anyone. because truth be told, i would hate myself. i mean, loyalty lies in the people that won't be there in the end right? wow.

i'm just mad at the world... minus like.... a good, 8 people.

i can only hope things get better from here.

sometimes i wonder...

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 04:36:43 GMT

i wonder why God made me the oldest.

i wonder why He made me the "reliable" one.

i wonder why i wasn't born with a messed up brain.

i wonder why i wasn't the one that "almost didn't make it".

i wonder why He picked me to be "the example".

i wonder why He made me the "strong" one.

the "successful" one. the "patient" one.

"the one everyone can depend on... can trust... can learn from."

sometimes... i think He made a mistake.

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 09:33:54 GMT

i don't know if i've ever felt more loved than i did tonight.

i know, i know.

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 21:00:38 GMT

i'm REALLY bad at updating....

but... life just hasn't been this good in a LONG time. i may not be exactly where i want to be... things may be VERY different than i had planned//pictured... but i am content with life. no doubt in my mind.

i have a job i semi-enjoy [lol]... i'm going to school and i'm dealing with all of my classes [i even loveee two of my professors]... i'm still tight with the whole family thing... and my friends situation, is just... amazing.

i.love.life.

life has a funny way of surprising you.

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 21:00:41 GMT

life is amazing.

basically.

my new friend.

Thu, 16 Nov 2006 18:00:29 GMT

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 06:35:50 GMT

so, i know i never update this. and it's pretty crappy that it happens. but i just ferget that i have this.

i feel... trapped. i don't know why. maybe i'm PMS'ing. but i feel so useless. and i just don't understand anything right now. college seems a lot better than high school, but in many ways i'm afraid to put myself out there to meet new people. i'm shyy until you get to know me. but i have a hard time just introducing myself to people. i'm looking for a job on campus and hopefully i'll join better classes next term. i'm gonna look into a club or something... cause only knowing a few people that go to my school kinda sucks. that, and i feel like i'm drifting from the people that used to be my best friends. i mean, i know people say they'll be friends forever and life happens and they forget all about each other... but not me. i know when a friendship shouldn't go to waste and it makes me sad that other people don't see what i do. but then again, society has been disappointing me as of lately...

my "creating a meaningful life" class is probably the best class i've ever had in my entire life. it makes me kinda want to be a philosophy major but then when i think about it, i wouldn't want to cause i think i'd get too fed up with things never haviing an answer. and it would make me hate life//society more than i already do. i feel so pessimistic already...

sorry for my ranting and whatnot.

so pardon me...

Sun, 27 Aug 2006 17:49:25 GMT

so since i NEVER update anymore, i've decided that i will. i think its because i feel i have nothing incredibly profound to say, so people will get bored purely reading about my day//life. i'm not too exciting as you can see already.

school started. pretty much, its alright.

i like helping people. just the feeling of a little thank you for some good adviice makes me smile. i mean, sometimes all someone needs is just a little help from their friends and sometimes it seems like we get so wrapped up in our own hectic lives that we forget about everyone around us. then, when we need help, who is gonna be there? i don't know... maybe i have it all wrong. but i think that theory "every man for himself" isn't so realistic. humans feed off of some form of atttention or emotion from others, whether it positive or negative. we can't live in this world on our own all the time. people that do must lead very unhappy lives.

toniiight...

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 08:52:30 GMT

toniiight was AMAZING. it made my summer. i've seen TBS... 5 times? tonight was AWESOME.

so first was the subways... ratiing: 3/10
-not myy cup of tea. i liked onee of their songs. but i just never really got into them.

second, head automatica... rating: 8/10
-upbeat and lively... lovedd it. "graduation day" and "lying through your teeth" made me smiile. i'm so tired of "beating heart baby"... everyyone claiims iit as "their song".

third was AVA... rating: 11/10
-some people would highly disagree. but i could care less. they were amazing... tom still has it. and i was mad that no one knew "there is"... even though technically it was a boxxcar racer song. that song is amaziing.

last of all, TBS. i can't rate them. its against my religion. lol.
-i've seen them quite a few times and there was maybe one night that was a better performance than tonight... tonight was amazing. adam is a GOD. and i'm SO glad they played a lot of "old" stuff. its good when a band doesnt JUST play their new album. that way, the newer fans will be more into listening to the old stuff... because its WAYYYYYYYYYY better than the new stufff.

all in all, aweeesome night.

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 06:37:30 GMT

so... i never update anymore. lol. ooops.

SJSU orientation next weeek! kinda exciited... but i think it mayy be a bit lamee seeing as how i know everything about that damn campuss.... but they MAKE you stay overnight. so we'll see how that goes...

FRIIIDAY! TBS//AVA. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO exciited. = ]]]]]]]]]

Sat, 17 Jun 2006 01:37:40 GMT

in a few hours, i leave for a week-long cruiise in the carribbean... happy graduation to me! lol.

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 02:03:54 GMT

I'm a biig kid now!

Tue, 30 May 2006 22:37:45 GMT

so, i only criied once today. yay for me. i just couldn't handle it after lunch... i lost it... but it was better than i thought. it still hurts though. the conversation with lauren plus the emotion pent up... i had to just let go. i walked into third block, threw my binder, screamed and ran out. i couldnt do it. i couldnt just pretend everything was okayy... i just couldnt.

people. make sure i don't smoke cigss/cloves on a regular basiis again please. i know they're bad, but they calmed me... i bought a pack todayy for the fiirst time cause its finallllly legal... thiis shiit's driivin me back to old habiits... ugh. i CANNNOTT smoke cigss. not coooool.

) =

Tue, 30 May 2006 00:50:33 GMT

"I am not pushing you away... I am holding on for dear life, but I need you to need me back." -One Tree Hill

"sometimes its easier for me to pretend rather than face my feelings.
sometimes its easier to try to make it alone rather than risk getting hurt again. sometimes its easier to be numb towards certain people so i dont let them get too close. sometimes im scared. but when i act numb towards you, it doesnt mean i dont care. it means i care too much." -white oleander

PROM 2006

Sat, 27 May 2006 22:41:13 GMT

one of the best nights of myy liiife. pikaturees are up on my myspace...

www.myspace.com/justiiiiine