Confessions of a Confused Soul

*it is written in blood that i am forever broken*

my grandmother was dignosed with multiple myeloma.
that's the second most common type of blood cancer.

i'm not sure how to feel now.
but i cried when i saw her with all the tubes and IV's hooked up to her.

i want to feel.
to truly feel the joys of this world again.

i'm so tired of either the pain kiling me slowly.
or the numbness i bring upon myself.

i want to get away.
go camping.
or on a hike.
or to the beach.

something to just be out of civilization.
even if just for a little while.

(no subject)
i feel as though i am slowly losing my creativity. there are so many things i used to do all the time(I.E. paint, draw, write) that i've forgotten how to do.

maybe its my lack of inspiration. maybe its the fact that not as many emotions flow through me as they used to. or, i'm just not in tune with the emotions that do flow. music doesn't inspire me like it used to. and the daily grind i call my life hardly gives inspiration since it has become the constant repitition that it is currently.

i want to go to the beach. or on a long hike. just somewhere far from "reality". maybe then i'll be inspired. maybe my creativity is hiding out in places no one goes.

i so dig this quote.

"Each snowflake was a sigh heaved by an aggrieved woman somewhere in the world. That all the sighs drifted up the sky, gathered into clouds, then broke into tiny pieces that fell silently on the people below. As a reminder of how women like us quietly we endure all that falls upon us." - from A Thousand Splendid Suns

awesome book. check it out!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


(no subject)
it always seems i get my hopes up for no reason.

life, stop failing me.
heart, stop fluttering.
brain, stop working so hard.

was one of the best days i've had in a while.

i got to sleep in and NOT go to work
i was very excited. even though i was dead tired when i finally did fall asleep, i was content in being tired.

class was pretty interesting.
i'm enjoying the book we're reading AND
i'm diggin on philosophy.

dinner was quite enjoyable.
went to Buffalo's and found that my new favorite thing on their menu is the Greek pizza.
yay for keeping up with my no beef/pork!
and i do believe we'll go to dinner again.
i look forward to it

twilight at midnight = AMAZING.
so many people are saying they hate it and it wasn't worth the money.
BUT if you read the books,
its a fairly accurate account.
i could see how you wouldn't enjoy it if you didn't read the books.

there comes a time...
when you just have to let go.
and hope that you had changed someone's life enough...
jussst enough, for them to know that there is better
in this world.

that they can be and DO better.
and hope that they find better
than they have in the past.

there comes a time,
when you just have to have faith
that even though you're not right,
hopefully they'll find someone better than you
so that they'll be happy.

cause in the end,
even though you weren't right,
hopefully they know
there's better
and they deserve so much more in this world.

there comes a time
that its just not about you anymore.
its about them.
and what they need.
and just cause its not how you'd hoped,
doesn't mean you didnt help them
see the good in this world.

because we all need a bit of good
in this big, confusing world.

this isn't about loving and losing.
this is about caring and learning.
its about compassion and change.

its about changing the world
one heart at a time.

i've come to realize

that life is entirely too short for love to be expendable. too often we figure love will be there, in one form or another. so we fail to recognize it; not only in ourselves but in others. it also seems that many times, telling people seems too hard or "too cheesy" or "it isn't the right time" or we're afraid to let ourselves become vulnerable. but life is too short. its too short to live in fear of what someone might say or how someone might react. i once was told "we are a society in need of love; for love is great and above all things what moves this world" and in every possible sense... through every word, every letter... it brings truth. in our own lives, how many times have there been where you wished you had done or said something more? but you held back.. whether it have been in fear or in uncertainty, you still held back. you figured, you'd have plenty more chances right? but what if you didnt? what if now was the only chance you had... what if everything depended on one moment and that was it? the moment disappeared forever... i know this concept has been stretched and re-told in every which way, but maybe it has been for a reason. we may not always 'live each day like its our last'; but couldn't we say what we mean and mean what we say and tell everyone how we feel? have people become so scared of their own emotions that the risk is becoming less and less worth it?

"love wins. love always wins."

i'm getting off topic though... i know these may just be the ramblings of a silly girl and i may be hard for many of you to take seriously, but honestly i say this from experience. each and every individual is guilty of not letting someone else know exactly what he/she means to him/her... we live life accepting that people assume. we fail to speak the words "i appreciate", "i love", "i care", etc. because it makes us vulnerable to someone else.

"without love, we are birds with broken wings."

whether its a family member, a close friend, or someone you barely know, tell them. tell them what they mean to you, regardless of your fears/doubts or pride or assuming they know. tell them. it can only make a person's day a little bit brighter.

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in." -Tuesdays with Morrie

(no subject)
he's winning me over with every word. 

and that cute little smile of his... melts my heart.

its been a while...

... but here i am.

i'm happy. but scared. and confused. all at the same time. and i'm still trying to figure out life. i'm taking life day by day, and i've stopped living in fear of the future. rather, i'm excited to see what every new day brings me. some may say this is risky business... some may say i need to "plan" for the future. but, i've learned that life throws you curve balls and no matter how prepared you think you are, you're never fullly ready for the challenges it poses. 

i'm happy due to recent events. okay, so maybe its just one event, but still... i don't know how long it has been since i have last felt this... excited about the future. i find myself smiling for no apparent reason... laughing a lot more and being a whole lot more pleasant in general [[not to say i wasn't pleasant before]]. i love getting messages for no reason other than to say "goodnight & sweet dreams" : ]

i'm scared for obvious reasons. for obvious reasons that many girls fear. i'm afraid that everything could fall through at any given moment and that by that moment, i may have already put my entire heart into it. i know that you'll never know how great something is until you take the risk, but what if the other person can't assure you that you're not the only one? i know the feelings are there and mutual, i'm just scared of history repeating itself and ending up broken hearted again.

i'm confused. simply because he is a boy and i am a girl and things between the two hearts are always complicated and a bit confusing. 

through all of my emotions, i'm ready. for whatever life brings me. i am expecting the unexpected and loving every minute of it.


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